"Fifty Shades of Grey" is book one in the best-selling 2011 erotica book trilogy by E.L. James. And no wonder it's so popular--it details the taboo, between-the-sheets world of sadomasochism and bondage. Just what every repressed, lonely mommy-housefrau wants to read, presumably. Well not this one. I find it unhealthy in every sense of the word.
It would be easy to write me off as prudish.That misses the mark. I'm not opposed to books touting sex, provided it's consensual, safe and healthy. Sadomasochism may be consensual, but it's not safe or healthy. And it isn't about sex. It's about power, addiction, humiliation, pain and emotional control, all those unsafe practices that destroy relationships.
Violent sex, even consensual is a form of rape and abuse. It harks back to women having sell themselves to survive, to do whatever is demanded by deviant customers, to take care of their loved ones.
Women have been subjugated sexually by dominant people since time began. Some still are. Sex has been used to shame, control and master us. I've spoken to women and men in mentoring sessions who use masochistic sex to purge guilt feelings. I find it unconscionable that an author would advocate such shame. Toxic shame is what we who work in mental health try to help people eradicate. I don't care if whose on the hurting end and who's on the hitting end, sadomasochism demeans and degrades both parties.
Frankly, sexual perversion is the only reason "Fifty Shades of Grey" has become so popular. Sans the bondage, it would be just another schmaltzy love story. I don't like books that use salacious subjects to sell. I liken obligatory sex to obligatory violence or morality. It's contrived and unnatural. "Fifty Shades of Grey" plays on the sensational. It uses sex to sell.
It's like Christian romance on the other end of the spectrum. I'm a big fan of romance literature of any kind, straight, gay or lesbian. Romance is one-dimensional and tedious. Boy meets girl (or boy meets boy) and falls in love. The duo bumps through a few chapters working out logistics and after a few blips, end up together--typically in bed. It's banal, cliché and predictable.
Christian romance is even worse. It attempts to sublimate natural sensuality. It justifies the romantic element, by tagging self-styled virtuosity on. Yuck. That's unnatural. We're sensual creatures. Sexual issues are part of the package. They can't be glossed over or pruned out like dead wood.
Embracing intimacy is one thing, but whips and chains aren't tools of intimacy. Domination fantasies aren't about mutually-beneficial sex. Getting off on beating or being beaten is not healthy sexual curiosity. It's deviant and dangerous. Dr. Oz says the book wakes up sleepy libidos. I disagree. I think it feeds perversion addiction. And if a libido needs S & M to jumpstart it, maybe there's something more going on.
Like pornography (which "Fifty Shades kind of is), S and M has the reverse effect on libidos. Instead of empowering healthy sexual expression, it kills it. It feeds an addiction. Put bluntly, folks who used bondage fantasies to achieve orgasm kill their ability to achieve it naturally.
If there are deeper truths in "Fifty Shades of Grey," they're lost on me. I say skip the books (and all romance literature) and read a good murder mystery. Or go for a walk with your significant other, holding hands. After 25 years of marriage, that's still enough erotica to get my husband's and my libidos going.
Harriet Goldhor Lerner: The Dance of Anger and Other Women's Health Books
Sexual Dysfunction in Women
The Case for Frequent Sexual Intercourse or Masturbation
How to Recognize a Manipulative Abuser
Control Freaks and Power Struggles in Relationships
Warning Signs of a Power Hungry Control Freak
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